I've named my puppies Timex and Rolex. They're watch dogs.
My neighbour really annoyed me yesterday by playing the same Lionel Richie song over and over again. It was all night long.
My dad was bragging about his new hearing aid. "State of the Art," he said, "It cost me a fortune." I asked: "Awesome what type is it?" He said: "Two thirty."
Harry Potter can't tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best mate. They're both cauldron
Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if i wanted to watch a film. She said, "What would you like to see?"
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn't sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Son: "Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up." .......
The guy who stole my diary has died. My thoughts are with his family.
I put up a high-voltage electric fence around my property over the weekend. My neighbour is dead against it.
No matter how kind you are, German children are kinder.
What do Alexander the great and winnie the pooh have in common? Same middle name.
Went for an interview at a Blacksmiths Blacksmith: "Are you any good at shoeing horses?" I said: "No but I once told a Donkey to fuck off"
Scientists got bored of watching the moon for 24 hours. So they called it a day.
I just found out that "Aaarghh" is not a real word. I can't express how angry that makes me.
My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment...
I saw my friend yesterday... her skin looked amazing. i asked for he secret and told me bathing in milk...
Do you think you can come in on Saturday? i know you enjoy your weekends but I need you here.
Apparently anti-mosquito sprays cause hallucinations? I didn't believe it at first until a mosquito told me about it.
I was having a kiss and a cuddle with the missus on the sofa when she seductively said 'shall we take this upstrairs?...'
Turning vegan would be a big missed steak!!
Received a text from the wife saying she was breaking up with me. Imagine how relieved i was when a couple of minutes later she texted 'sorry wrong number'.
My mates pet snake got into my freezer last night. I don't know how to tell him, I reckon I'll have to give it to him straight.
I've been travelling around northern France doing my Star Trek Impersonations.
I ran into my ex girlfriend at the gym. We didn't work out...
I just read an article on Facebook about the dangers of drinking and what it does to your body and not gonna lie it freaked me out, so that's it! After today, no more reading
I just called the paranoia hotline. A guy answered: "How the hell did you get this number!?
I wasn't sure how comfortable my new couch would be. But sofa so good.
I used to hate my job standing on one corner of the room, blowing air at people. Now i'm a big fan.
Welcome to the plastic surgery addition support group. i see a lot of new faces around....